"What's your pet hate?"

*****************************************************
A sneak preview - a new social networking site
launches in the New Year - but with a difference.
Bongal.com wants you - the potential users - to help
develop its final look and feel. All you need is an
interest in something and they'll help you find
likeminded people. See here:
http://bit.ly/4ZqPEA
*****************************************************

"I don't do emails or anything now" - Lily Allen
-----------------------------------------------------
POPBITCH _ _ _
_ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_| |_| 03.11.09 ISSUE 476
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
go to http://www.popbitch.com
To send us stories Email: hello@popbitch.com

* Baboon vs Badger - The Book
* Denny Laine - pink shoes please
* Charts: Children in Need still number one
------------------------------------------------------

>> Bah humbug <<
MTV cancel Xmas?

It's not just City businesses which are down
on celebrating the holiday season. Staff at
MTV/Nickelodeon in London thought they should
put up some office festive decorations, but were
taken aback when they were told they'd have to
club together and pay for any themselves.

------------------------------------------------------
The red bottoms on baboons are not buttocks, but
ischial callosities. They are in fact rather
comfy, and allow the apes to sleep on branches.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Rock it with rocket <<
Bored with noughties. Waiting for Goldfrapp

Goldfrapp's Black Cherry album, released in 2003,
very much provided the template for pop in
the last decade. This sexy electro-pop has been
taken up, to some degree, by acts such as Kylie,
Sugababes, La Roux, Ladyhawke, Madonna, Lady GaGa,
Florence, Saturdays, Rachel Stevens, Hot Chip etc
and been the dominant chart sound of recent years.
Well, Goldfrapp may provide the blue-print for the
next few years too with new album Head First.
First single, Rocket, highlights the band's new
direction, and if it is as influential it means
goodbye to the Visage and Human League wannabes
everywhere and hello to 80s American power pop!
Rocket fuses Van Halen synths with Pat Benatar
chorus, throws in a bit of Pointer Sisters, Harold
Faltermeyer, the montage sequences from Don Simpson
films and Top Gun lift-off noises and yet manages
to sound fresh and original. We'll ask nicely if
we can play it for you next week.

------------------------------------------------------
The badger is the state animal of the U.S.
state of Wisconsin.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Anatomy of a scandal <<
How to spot a celebrity stalking horse

Keen observers of tabloids and celebrity magazines
can look on the Tiger Woods affair as a
textbook case of how to smoke out the story of
an affair.

1. The stalking horse
Magazine reveals, through un-named sources,
a plausible candidate. The Stalking Horse, Rachel
Uchitel in this case, is sent out to deny
accusations of rumours. She can always change
her tune later if she wants. This is the
media testing the waters - will this bring
anyone else into the open looking for a payday?

2. The reaction
The celebrity wins if he and his wife hold out
for a few days looking together and calm.
(The Beckhams did this perfectly.) But if any
kind of reaction is sniffed out - bingo!
The media war is then on. Crashing your car
at 2.30am when leaving your driveway is
probably as good as it gets.

3. What happens next
If plans are changed or engagements cancelled it
means the real story is about to break.

4. The news-stand
The first girls hit pay-dirt. Sorry Tiger,
there are more still pondering their next move.

------------------------------------------------------
The Tiger Woods joke we liked:
Q: What's the difference between a car and a golf ball?
A: Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 400 yards.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Big Questions <<
Who is asking what this week

Which Premier League footballer was discovered
by his club groundsman lying on the pitch
under the sun lamps which protect the grass
in winter, trying to get a suntan?

------------------------------------------------------
A Solihull councillor has been advising old people
about keeping warm in winter. His name? Bob Sleigh.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Xmas Fun <<
Book, funny, music, quiz

1. Buy the Popbitch Book! Published tomorrow
and under a fiver! Great Xmas pressie.
Who Would Win In A Fight Between A Baboon
And A Badger? "I definitely back Brocky Badger
in this one - no contest" - Christine Hamilton
(Who is not in the book but 130+ celebs are.)
More info and buy book here:
http://www.popbitch.com/home/baboon-vs-badger-book/

2. Cheaper tickets for PBers to see Stewart
Lee be funny on stage at Leicester Square
theatre. Will include "inexplicable hostility
towards relatively innocuous figures". 15 quid,
Sun-Wed, 13 Dec-17th Jan. Enter code £15tix:
http://bit.ly/80vTsY

3. Something for every Xmas party - Floorfillers.
Two CDs of 2009's pop and dance hits. Those songs
you secretly liked but didn't get around to buying/
pretended you were too cool to be into. Lady Gaga,
Cascada, Calvin Harris, Black Eyed Peas and more.
Buy through Play or Amazon, download at itunes:
http://www.floorfillersmusic.com

4. Popbitch Xmas Pop Quiz. Think you know
your 2009? Test your knowledge over booze
for prizes. Sosho, London, 7pm, Tues 8th Dec
http://www.popbitchpopquiz.com

------------------------------------------------------
Annoying TV loudmouth and brown-baby-owning sceptic
Lowri Turner is now touting her services as a
nutritional therapist/hynotherapist.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Killing 10% fewer in 2010 <<
Arms manufacturers sign up to save the planet

Guardian borefest, the 10:10 environmental campaign,
signed up a super new pledgee this week: MBDA,
an arms manufacturer which produces more than
3,000 missiles a year, including the iconic Exocet.
At the same time they turned down Manchester
Airport. Weirdo airplane obsessive (and the
person who Boris Johnson supposedly rescued
from muggers recently) Franny Armstrong said
"Of course arms manufacturers can reduce their
emissions by 10%. What they do with the rest
of their time is a different matter, on which
we couldn't possibly comment."

*****************************************************
Go on, shake it, you know you want to!
http://bit.ly/4CnAhz
*****************************************************

>> Bulletin Board <<
A Popbitch public service

Kate_London_writes:
"Back in the 80's when I was 13 I went with
my parents to Denny Laine, of Wings and
Moody Blues' house. His older brother was
my dad's friend. I was very proud of my
brand new pink shoes from Ravel. We all went
for a swim in Denny's pool and when I got out
my shoes were missing. His Alsatian, Blue,
had eaten them.

"Denny said he would get me a new pair.
I'm still waiting..."

------------------------------------------------------
Gyles Brandreth's children are called
Bennet, Saethryd and Aphra.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Breakfast TV's biggest cock <<
Fern Britton got all the best jobs

Fern Britton told an interesting story in a
Times article recently. Back in the 80s she
worked on the BBC1 breakfast show. When she
joined, star presenter Selina Scott took her
out to warn her about their co-presenter,
Frank Bough. Britton told her colleague that
she'd already been propositioned by Mr Bough.
His chat-up line? "I wonder how long it'll
be before I'm having an affair with you,
because I have got a very big cock."

****************************************************
New online emporium CupidandGrace.com have the best
salon-quality hair care products and tools, from
shampoo to straighteners. Stock up on hair
essentials, get xmas presents or pick up a treat
for yourself. Popbitchers - 10% discount with
promo code CGPOP and free delivery over £30:
http://bit.ly/5Pd16j
****************************************************

>> Joe climbs ahead <<
Please God, anything but a Miley Cyrus cover!

Weird signals coming out from X Factor this
week as it starts to get serious. Insiders say
Simon Cowell really doesn't want a third female
winner (check out his cleverly manipulative
comments to Stacey - encouragement wrapped
around subliminal insults) and yet the Xmas
song choice suits a female voice. Hints that
it would be Journey's epic Don't Stop Believin'
are thankfully - can you imagine any of
these muppets outsinging Steve Perry? -
receding as it's indicated that the chosen
track will be Miley Cyrus' The Climb.
That sounds about right - a middle-of-the-road
dirge that makes you want to kill yourself
after being forced to listen to for more than
30 seconds.

So this points to one thing. Little Joe
is the annointed one. His sweet stage school
voice would work on a Miley Cyrus number,
in a way Olly and Danyl's obviously won't.
Just like last year, when Alexandra rose
above all the others in the last three weeks,
so Joe is taking a commanding lead in the
voting each time now. The only question
at the moment is, who will join him and
Stacey in the final?

Take a bet now! 25 free bet when you sign with betfair:
http://bit.ly/YuEES

------------------------------------------------------
Someone who sat near Rick Stein on a recent flight
to Plymouth told us that he has much larger
hands than you'd expect, from seeing him on TV.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Modern movies <<
How to get ahead in Hollywood pt 342

If you thought the idea of board games, toys
and video games being turned into Hollywood
movies was bad, here's a new one. The
"talent director" of video game Call Of Duty:
Modern Warfare 2, Keith Arem, has just landed
his first live action feature film off
the back of it. Frost Road, will be about
"the survivors and victims of an invisible
contagion in a small coastal Eastern town."

------------------------------------------------------
Joanna Lumley has been in Uganda this week. People at
the Ziwa Rhino Sanctuary said she was "very friendly".
Even when one of the managers, not twigging who she
was said "You look just like Purdy from New Avengers".
------------------------------------------------------

>> Things that make you go hmmm <<
More muppets, Mick Hucknall, Xmas niceness

If Germany had won WWII:
http://www.myrtle.co.uk/art/untergrund.gif

Rude and funny Christmas cards that you certainly
won't find in Clintons! A great selection of
cards and gifts and loads of ideas for secret
santas. Ho Ho Ho!
http://www.deanmorriscards.co.uk

Mick Hucknall is getting arsey about his
shooting and fishing rights on his country estate:
http://bit.ly/7njGEL

Quick! – get your Xmas t-shirt pressies (inc
exclusive Popbitch designs) at Teefly.com:
http://www.teefly.com

Why aren't The Muppets back on TV? Their
Bohemian Rhapsody clip we featured last week has
had 9m youtube views already. Want more? How
about the fabulous Beaker doing Ode To Joy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xpcUxwpOQ_A

Hoff, Hoff, Hoff Merry Cliffmas. Personalised,
signed posters from The Hoff, Cliff Richard,
JLS and others. Your family's Xmas sorted:
http://www.universalposter.com

>> UK Top 40 <<
This week's new entries/high climbers

++ Number One
PETER KAY Official Children In Need Medley

++ Top Ten
JAY-Z/ALICIA KEYS Empire State of Mind

++ Top Twenty
TAKEN BY TREES Sweet Child Of Mine

++ Top Forty
ALICIA KEYS It Doesn't Mean Anything
CHERYL COLE/WILL I AM 3 words
ALICIA KEYS No One

****************************************************
Thanks to: CL, SW, LM, AM, SW, NF, KG, Sm, RS,
lovelight, deep_stoat, beryl_the_peril, bengobaz,
diamond,

Thanks for quiz prizes to: No Equal Clothing -
10% of all revenue (not just profits) is channelled
into charities that help under-privileged young
people. 10% off any order until 9 Dec - enter
promo code 'pop' when you order:
http://www.noequalclothing.com

Thanks to lovehoney for prizes - for sexy and
secure adult shopping:
http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/
****************************************************

Old Jokes Home:
Someone asked me the other day;
'What's your pet hate?'
I said, 'It doesn't really like things
shoved up its arse.'

Still Bored?
Robot Blob takes its first steps:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SbqHERKdlK8

Badger vs Baboon The Book

*****************************************************
Great food for free, from graze.com, sent straight
to you at work or home. From fresh pineapple to
exotic goji berries, olives to black pepper cashews
and yoghurt coated apricots to chocolate coated nuts.
100% natural and handpicked just for you. First box
free and your next half price using code POPBITCH.
http://www.graze.com/popbitch
*****************************************************

"I couldn't think of anything worse than being on
a judging panel for 14 hours a day and constantly
having to have my hair re-bouffed" - Cheryl Cole

"What did I do to deserve eating arse?" - Jordan
-----------------------------------------------------
POPBITCH _ _ _
_ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_| |_| 26.11.09 ISSUE 475
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
go to http://www.popbitch.com
To send us stories Email: hello@popbitch.com

* Baboon vs Badger - The Book
* What's up Larry Grayson's flagpole?
* Charts: Children In Need single is number one
------------------------------------------------------

>> Baboon vs Badger <<
Xmas book - perfect stocking filler

"Who would win in a fight between a baboon
and a badger?" Popbitch got answers from more
than 100 celebrities and put them into a
little book, along with expert opinions and
all the badger and baboon facts you'll ever need.

Some of the contributors:
Nik Kershaw, Danny-out-of-Hear'Say, Charlie
Brooker, Keavy and Edele from B*Witched,
Noam Chomsky, Chris Packham, Dennis Taylor...

The book is very limited edition, and available
on popbitch.com only, for 4.75GBP (inc post,
packing, gift card). 5.95 to any non UK address.

More info and buy book here:
http://www.popbitch.com/home/baboon-vs-badger-book/

FYI: Gelada Baboons have markings on their chest
that look exactly like a lady Gelada's front bottom,
even the males. It's thought to be a sexual signal
and, unlikely as it sounds, it is also thought to be the
reason why human beings have lips.

------------------------------------------------------
A honey badger's favourite line of attack is
to go straight for the genitals.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Greylords <<
Because gossip is not just for the young

Larry Grayson lived in Nuneaton. He had a
flagpole in his garden, and when Larry was
in, the flag went up. And when Larry went
out, the flag came down. Just like the queen.

------------------------------------------------------
After an absence of 40 years, otters are now found
in every English county.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Big Questions <<
Who is asking what this week

This celebrity husband and wife have more
in common than just fame, money, kids and
being intensely annoying. They've both got
a shag-buddy. Hers is a much lusted-after
actor, while his was a big fan who got close
to him at a party. While she has suspected her
husband's infidelity for some time, he is said
to have no idea that his wife has been getting
frisky without him!

------------------------------------------------------
Best named iphone app yet? Singalong with Mariah
Carey... Mariah Carey-oke. Still, the name's the best
thing: you get four rubbish tracks Obsessed, Touch My
Body, Don't Forget About Us, and Shake It Off.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Doing down Danyl <<
X Factor politics kicks up a gear

Danyl seems to be getting a rough deal on
the X Factor. One of the judges has
claimed that Danyl had signed up with
Simon Cowell's label before X Factor,
and the appearances on the show are simply a
publicity thing. The judges, unhappy with this,
get their own back by slagging him off.
Friends of Danyl don't recognise the picture of
him being painted. A group of his friends and
family watch the show together in a hotel in
Reading every weekend and say very nice things
about him. Danyl even pays for them to have
champagne every Sunday night if he goes through.

X Factor viewers don't seem to be swayed much
by the judges. Last week he scored highly in
the voting, despite the judges' remarks,
while their praise for Olly's weak performance
went unheeded. From what we understand
Joe was the runaway vote winner, underscoring
the fact that there's no crowd favourite
this year (Danyl and Stacey have been recent
favourites too). People have been largely
voting on performance so far.

FYI: Our tip this week? Bet in play (i.e. during the
show) based on who is performing best on the night.
http://bit.ly/YuEES

------------------------------------------------------
The town of Beverley, near Hull, was named after
the number of beavers which once lived in the area.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Prezza goes to the theatre <<
Pauline Prescott: not a Jedward fan

Lullaby_Lion writes:
"I sat next to John Prescott and his wife,
Pauline, at the Truck Theatre in Hull a
couple of weekends back, watching A One Night
Stand With Barry Rutter. Prezza was grumpy as
hell, grumbling about having to stand up to let
people move along the row to reach their seats.
He breathes really loudly as well. Anyway, he
brightened up during the interval when he rang
someone on his mobile then passed the phone to
Pauline who was desperate to know who had been
voted off the X Factor. She seemed disappointed
that Jamie Archer had gone and couldn't believe
that 'those twins' were still in. I guess she
feels better now."

------------------------------------------------------
Salvador Dali made a hologram of Alice Cooper's brain.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Stone the crows <<
Cheryl tops another poll

At Popbitch towers we keep an up to date
list of which celebrities have the best
plastic surgery - so we know whose doctor
to call when that moment arises.
Sharon Stone probably has the most admired
upgrades, though people are starting to
talk of Sandra Bullock rather approvingly
too. And in the UK? A surprise candidate
is Cheryl Cole. But her nomination comes
from experts - top plastic surgeons the
Viel brothers? "The best case of surgery is
Cheryl Cole who has enhanced her looks
with a few procedures." Who'd have thought!

------------------------------------------------------
Over the past year 350 British films have been made.
The number directed by women? Eight.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Bulletin Board <<
A Popbitch public service

One Popbitch reader informs us that an elderly
relative of theirs lent Jon Snow her lawnmower,
and is still waiting to get it back.

Jon Snow.
If you still have the lawnmower.
Give it back.

If anyone else has any other unfinished business
with a celebrity email hello@popbitch.com
and we'll put out an announcement.

------------------------------------------------------
Nowewhere in Britain is more than 74 1/2 miles
from the sea.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Z-list wonderland <<
How the famous-for-being-famous behave

Hyde Park's Winter Winderland gala opening
was full of minor celebrities. Nikki
Grahame and friend were in the queue to
ride the Ghost Train when they spotted
Alicia Douvall just behind them. Nikki
barged through the queue (well, non
celebrities obviously don't count) and
confronted Alicia, who was quietly standing
with her rather beautiful daughter. Nikki
started jabbering at Alicia that she
just wanted to make peace with her,
"I'm sorry for whats been said in the papers".
Alicia looked a little bemused and just
"I'm here with my daughter, don't worry
about it!" Nikki barged back through the
queue, getting her hair extensions caught
in someone's coat on the way, and spent
the rest of the time in the queue quietly
slagging off Alicia Douvall, the erstwhile
object of her peacemaking.

****************************************************
Christmas With The Stars - CD out on Monday. Inc
Dean Martin "Let It Snow!", Bing Crosby "Frosty
The Snowman", Beach Boys "Little Saint Nick",
and Alma Cogan's "Never Do A Tango With An Eskimo".
****************************************************

>> Music to commit suicide to <<
Top selling singles of the decade

Peter Kay's charity song replaces X Factor's
charity song at number one. Just around the
corner is the new X Factor track. Add in the
fact that people are actually buying Chris
Moyles' parody album and it's almost enough
to make you suicidal. And to top it all,
we've just seen a list of the best selling
singles of the decade.

1. Will Young (Evergreen)
2. Gareth Gates (Unchained Melody)
3. Shaggy (Wasn't Me)
4. Tony Christie/Peter Kay (Amarillo)
5. Band Aid 20
6. Hear'Say (Pure & Simple)
7. Shayne Ward
8. Kylie (Can't Get You Out Of My Head)
9. Bob the Builder (Can We Fix It)
10. Atomic Kitten (Whole Again)

------------------------------------------------------
Unusually sweaty celebrities: Tony Blair, Adam
Boulton, Chris Moyles, Ainsley Harriott.
Surprisingly unsweaty? George Galloway.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Things that make you go hmmm <<
Arctic animals, Muppets, Sarah Palin

Ring Them Bells is the "only film about the
British alternative Tranny scene. They say
"We sent begging letters to about 75 gay
friendly celebs and received signed photos
from Sharon Osbourne and David Walliams and
Matt Lucas. Would have preferred the cash..."
Read more/support them here:
http://ringthembells.webs.com/

The Muppets do Bohemian Rhapsody. As good as
it sounds:
http://bit.ly/5CPNue

London beauty offer: book any treatment in
December and get the same one half price in
January. Call 020 7734 6161
http://www.beautylounge.co.uk

This man has been thinking about
pokemon way too much. Absolutely brilliant:
http://bit.ly/6JnyuC

Amazing photos of the Arctic:
http://www.pdnphotooftheday.com/2009/11/2673

Sarah Palin book signing - conscientious fans
that know what they're talking about.
"We need to get the Polar Bears off the
endangered list so we can drill there..."
http://bit.ly/6KPhsE

Emails from crazy people:
http://emailsfromcrazypeople.com/

>> UK Top 40 <<
This week's new entries/high climbers

++ Number One
PETER KAY Official Children In Need Medley

++ Top Ten
SUSAN BOYLE Wild Horses

++ Top Twenty
RIHANNA Russian Roulette
MARIAH CAREY I Want To Know What Love Is

++ Top Forty
SUSAN BOYLE I Dreamed A Dream

****************************************************
Thanks to: CL, SW, LM, AM, SW, lullaby lion, MT,
PB, danceswithmustelids, SW, too_fat_to_skate,
JH, AM, DB,
****************************************************

Old Jokes Home:
Q: What happened to the blind rabbi when he
performed a circumcision?
A: He got the sac.

Still Bored?
It takes a while to load but you
get old Atari games:
http://www.atari.com/arcade

Cooking in prison

****************************************************
Popbitch Xmas Party Tonight! Exclusive post-
work party DJ set from Cicada at 6.30pm,
followed by Wheel Of Fortune - you spin the
wheel and DJs play the tunes: from "top tunes"
to "soft rock" & "I preferred their earlier work".
Downstairs, top comedy from Tom Webb, London's
sweariest comedian™, and popbitch quiz host.
Free before 7 and a fiver after, or free with a
photocopy of your arse. Get there early to win
Double Act drinks! Sosho Bar, London 6pm til later.
http://www.sosholondon.com/info/index.html
****************************************************

"I am going to admit it, I am fat. TV adds three
kilos. Here I have five cameras pointing at me.
Imagine, three kilos per camera!" - Ronaldo
-----------------------------------------------------
POPBITCH _ _ _
_ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_| |_| 19.11.09 ISSUE 474
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
go to http://www.popbitch.com
To send us stories Email: hello@popbitch.com

* Who's befriending who in the X Factor house?
* PJ and Duncan annoy Newcastle goths
* Charts: X Factor finalists are number one
------------------------------------------------------

>> Baby, walk one more time <<
Britney's sons like their prams

As long-time Britney watchers, we can't help
but notice that her two sons are virtually
never photographed out of their prams or
being carried. And eldest son, Sean, is a
long way past his fourth birthday.

It's not often that Popbitch dishes out advice,
but come on Brit, you're playing with fire!
Have you seen K-Fed recently? He's the size
of a house, and with those genes, you
should be getting those boys walking as
much as possible.

------------------------------------------------------
In 1740 London had a population of 500,000. Who
drank 22 million gallons of gin per year.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Friendship never ends <<
Karaoke stars learn to love each other

The tabloids have been hinting at dark and
secret goings on in the X Factor house without
actually saying anything that might stem the
flow of approved stories they get. The News of
The World got as far as saying this: "One
contestant was shocked to discover text messages
on a mobile phone between two others discussing
their feelings for each other - in complete
defiance of a 'no-relationship' rule."

Hmmm... this "no-relationship" rule? Stories
about Olly and Stacey have happily been placed
everywhere. And Stacey and Joe. Oh, and Jamie
and one out of Kandy Rain. Perhaps because
this time the growing friendship is between
two of the men. This one isn't so easy to
market to the homophobic parts of the press.

FYI: Sign up for a free 25 pound bet on X Factor:
http://bit.ly/YuEES

------------------------------------------------------
Gruesome twosome: Yusef Islam and Noel "Hear'Say"
Sullivan. On stage, previewing a new musical of
Cat Stevens classics like Father & Son and Wild World.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Big Questions <<
Who is asking what this week

Football gossips are passing around the rumour
that which manager is on borrowed time at his
club after getting the chairman's daughter
pregnant? He'd already fallen out with one
of his star players over the girl, when he
discovered the star was getting his end
away with his young mistress as well.

A recent girlfriend of which former
Eastenders star (and summer festival
fixture) told us that "he can only stand to
attention when his nipples are licked"?

------------------------------------------------------
Nicolas Cage's "epic spending spree" in 2007, by
his investment adviser: three homes costing $33m +;
22 cars, including nine Rolls Royces; 12 pieces of
expensive jewellery and 47 pieces of artwork.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Can you clear the crumbs, Fernando? <<
Liverpool star puts recovery above snack ad

Adman writes:
"Last week I was involved in shooting a new
football commercial in London for a well-known
snack brand. The ad was to star several big football
stars, including Fernando Torres, but getting the
injured star to make the journey south proved
difficult. A helicopter was put on standby
to pick him up and take him right back, but
Torres' people demurred. The brand's ad
agency even offered up the services of a
'well-known-comedian and entertainer' to
keep the striker amused on the flight, but
again the offer was rejected. Next the agency
tried to reschedule the shoot for Liverpool -
and even put 150 grand's worth of crew
on standby, only for Torres' people, rather
sensibly, to say that the star couldn't do
the shoot until his injury had cleared up."

------------------------------------------------------
Nice to see Sky News breaking the Mark Bolland to M&S
story yesterday. Sky's Chief Executive Jeremy
Darroch is a non-exec director of Marks & Spencer.
Of course, the two things aren't related, though.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Tips for the Bottom <<
Who'll bore the pants off you in 2010

As the British music media gear up for the
usual Tips for Next Year kiss of death
over-hyped nonsense, so we invite you to enter
your tips - the Tips for the Bottom 2010.
Which "eagerly-awaited" new albums are you
looking forward to ripping the piss out of?

Our first suggestions:

* Avril Lavigne is releasing the second
song she ever wrote, aged 15. It's
called Darlin'.
* Jennifer Lopez has a new album... Love?
* Diana Vickers' album, produced by Gary
Lightbody
* TLC's big comeback... even though
Left-Eye is dead.
* Someone thought it was a good idea for
Natasha Bedingfield to make a new record.
* P Diddy is recording again.
* Mark Morrison has a new album - IAMWHATIAM.

Who would you nominate?
email: hello@popbitch.com

******************************************************
What is Santa's secret? His elves gather all the best
Christmas buys and sprinkle them at BragItUp.com with
a generous discount. For girls, for men and for the kids.
http://www.BragItUp.com
******************************************************

>> Ant and decked <<
A rhumble in the jungle

Anon writes:
"Nice to see the lovely Ant and Dec back on TV.
I have a story from when they were known as
PJ and Duncan in Byker Grove and they used to
swan around The Toon in voluminous tracksuits
and oversized trainers hoping to be mobbed by
fans. One Saturday they ventured to 'The Square',
an area of Newcastle where Hell's Angels,
goths and rockers would meet weekly, get
pissed, smoke weed, and chill out. PJ and
Duncan, miffed at the sniggers from the
assembled black-clad crowd mouthed something
about "Dirty goths". They were promptly caught,
placed in large metal wastebins and upended,
while lit cigarettes were flicked at their
highly-flammable 'street' gear, with the
promise that "It's ok, if you go up we'll
piss it out".

------------------------------------------------------
Kid Creole and the Coconuts (with full 14 piece band)
are back! Playing next week at Friars Aylesbury.
With China Crisis. Just like it's 1983 again.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Board stiff <<
The worst trend in film-making

You'll be pleased to know Hollywood has moved
on from making films about toys (GI Joe,
Transformers). Now it's all about board games.

1. Battleships
Yes, that dull pencil and paper guessing
game. It's slated for a July 2011 release by
Universal. Hancock director Peter Berg is
helming. "It's everything you could imagine
in a Battleship movie", we're told.

2. Monopoly
Ridley Scott directing "a Monopoly-obsessed
New Yorker who finds himself pulled into
the game's world by a magical Chance card."

3. View-Master.
OK, it's not strictly a board game, but that
cheap thing you used to look at 3D pictures.
Fringe writer Brad Caleb Kane is behind it
for DreamWorks.

------------------------------------------------------
On I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, isn't Katie
Price starting to look like Cristiano Ronaldo?
------------------------------------------------------

>> Reach for the sim <<
Pop titan attends housewarming

CG writes:
"I'm a second year at the University in East
London. Recently, Bradley, from titans of
pop S Club 7, made an appearance at a friend's
housewarming. He was clearly annoyed with
our decision to play 'S Club Party' on repeat.
He also seemed to have some clingers-on who asked
people to stop taking photos of him every 10
minutes. Best part was at the end of the night
when my friend and him swapped numbers, and he
couldn't call her, because he had 'no credit'."

------------------------------------------------------
The most popular tune on Nike+? Eye Of The Tiger.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Monkey Tennis Anyone? <<
What to look forward to on TV

The Alan Partridge awards for most promising
new programmes go to:

* Maggot's on a Mission
Maggot from Goldie Lookin' Chain tackles
environmental myths, dressed in a furry
green suit.
* Muslim Driving School
Hilarious tales of muslim women learning to
drive.
* A Band For Britain
Sue Perkins gets to recruit a brass band!
* Alan Yentob on Las Vegas
Cerebral BBC arts commentator wants a
free trip to Las Vegas. Sorry, is obviously
the right person to analyse Sin City.

But way out in front... Clink Cuisine
A reality show taking a look at cooking - and
here's the twist - in prisons!

One of those spoof shows Partridge unsuccessfully
pitched - as an example of ridiculous programme
ideas - was... Cooking in Prison. So we're
assuming Arm Wrestling with Chas & Dave
will be out soon...

------------------------------------------------------
Pete Doherty's new neighbours tell us that Pete
"like singing his own songs when he comes back in
the early hours of the morning".
------------------------------------------------------

>> Popbits <<
One hit wonders - the next chapter

William Pitt's City Lights has been one of
Popbitch's favourite tracks, since a summer spent
listening to Europop in Italy 1987, but we never
knew anything else about the singer or song until
this week. What we have learned:

* William Pitt is American, but lives in Switzerland
He performed on behalf of George McGovern's
presidential campaign in Los Angeles in 1972.

* He has been a "health coach" for Seals & Crofts
(Summer Breeze). And is a yoga teacher.

* After City Lights' follow up Funny Girl, Pitt
suffered "show-biz burn-out" in Paris.

* Now he's "getting readier and readier to share
my LOVE with the whole world". And here's his
new song, Dignified. It's not quite got that
City Lights magic, but...
http://www.myspace.com/realwilliampitt

City Lights and more:
http://www.popbitch.com/home/2009/11/19/citylights/

------------------------------------------------------
"Scandinavia on the 2 Euro coin looks exactly like
a flaccid penis" (thanks to whoever left this
comment on our survey - full results coming soon).
------------------------------------------------------

>> Things that make you go hmmm <<
Depeche Mode, Bacon, Levi Johnston

The best thing since cheese or font. Seriously:
http://steakhouseorgaybar.com/

Best Depeche Mode cover by a brass band?
http://bit.ly/2anIar

Erik Hassle makes In For The Kill sound like
Personal Jesus. Listen and vote for the
Record of the Year:
http://bit.ly/4bnDVI

If you like films, you might like this:
http://theincrediblesuit.blogspot.com/

Bacon flavoured envelopes?
http://mmmvelopes.com/

As we await the Levi Johnston photoshoot,
an interesting article on Playgirl
http://bit.ly/Ez5Yc

Sidney the otter:
http://bit.ly/2jqV5S

Favourite headline of the week:
http://bit.ly/mSgNo

>> UK Top 40 <<
This week's new entries/high climbers

++ Number One
X FACTOR FINALISTS You Are Not Alone

++ Top Ten
JASON DERULO Watcha Say
LADY GAGA Bad Romance

++ Top Twenty
ALESHA DIXON To Love Again
FLORENCE & THE MACHINE You've Got The Love

++ Top Forty
SHAKIRA Did It Again
50 CENT ft NE-YO Baby By Me
TAKEN BY TREES Sweet Child o' Mine
AGNES I Need You Now

****************************************************
Thanks to: CL, SW, LM, AM, SW, hack_daniels, BR,
NH, Dollymixture, DP, honk,
****************************************************

Old Jokes Home:
Q: Why was 6 scared of 7?
A: Because 7 8 9.

Still Bored?
Party tonight - at Sosho Bar, London. 6pm til later.
http://www.sosholondon.com/info/index.html
Check out our special guests - Cicada
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ForCWAiR7Tc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v8yCNO0lUuo
& Tom Webb: http://tomwebbcomedy.com/Welcome.html

I am the Rainbow

"Joe Perry, you are a man of many colours. But I,
muthaf**ker, am the rainbow!" - Steven Tyler

"I don't Twitter. But I love pop culture"
- John (Duran Duran) Taylor
-----------------------------------------------------
POPBITCH _ _ _
_ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_| |_| 12.11.09 ISSUE 473
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
go to http://www.popbitch.com
To send us stories Email: hello@popbitch.com

* Jarvis Cocker - different class
* Simon Cowell doesn't like mess
* Charts: Leona Lewis is a yawnsome number one
------------------------------------------------------

>> Suga baby <<
Girl band tackles Xmas classic

Despite getting rid of the last Sugababe proper,
the Sugababes celebrate a top five single this
week. The more things change, the more they
stay the same, eh? Without Keisha's vocals, the
band just don't sound like the Sugababes to us,
but their record label seem to be breathing
easier without the behind-the-scenes band
tension. Despite rumours of the three original
Sugababes reforming, it seems that reunion is
still some way off. Warner Records are cooling
on making them an offer. Not least because the
original reason for the first split still stands
- Siobhan just can't bear working with
Mutya and Keisha.

Anyway, we're looking forward to the
NuSugababes Xmas single - we can reveal that
it's going to be a cover of Santa Baby.

In the meantime, our previous favourite version:
http://bit.ly/2xXKjg

------------------------------------------------------
Watching Flaming Lips at the Troxy: John Cusack
"particularly enjoying Pompeii Am Gotterdammerung",
Damien Hirst, and Colin Murray talking/shouting about
how much he loves Flaming Lips the entire gig.
------------------------------------------------------

>> We are golden <<
Counting the Katonas in Cheshire

weeble writes:
"A family member working in Sheffield's
Cash4Gold offices noticed an unusual name on
one of last week's cash requests. How many
K Katonas could there be in Cheshire?"

------------------------------------------------------
Currently being courted to take over from Jason
Donovan in Priscilla Queen Of The Desert?
Neil Morrissey.
------------------------------------------------------


>> Big Questions <<
Who is asking what this week

Which young urban act filmed themselves on
their mobile phones shagging groupies
then sat around watching the footage together
on their tour bus? They invited one of their
crew to join, or at the very least watch,
but when he made excuses on account of the
fact that he had a wife at home, the boys
were incredibly apologetic and told him
they didn't mean to disrespect his wife.
How sweet.

******************************************************
X Factor - our source says Joe is creeping up the
voting charts every week. Danyl is his main
competition but his behaviour behind-the-scenes is
not doing him any favours... watch this space...
Get your money on Joe while he's still a good price:
25 quid free bet! http://bit.ly/YuEES
******************************************************

>> Gary Barlow, funny man <<
Does Take That star think Fearne is a muppet?

It's unlikely many of you watched ITV2's
Fearne and Alesha, this week. Anyway, the
show saw Fearne cadging herself an invitation
to the studio Alesha Dixon is recording at,
with Gary Barlow as her producer. When
Fearne arrives and starts talking to Alesha,
Gary Barlow leaves the pair of them to
take a seat at the piano.

The song he's playing as the soundtrack to
their conversation sounds an awful lot
like the theme to the Muppet Show. Subtle
social commentary from ole Gary Starlight?

Watch it (it starts around 4:45..)
http://bit.ly/3O3nkX

------------------------------------------------------
The word muesli comes from the old English word moose,
meaning stew or porridge.
------------------------------------------------------

>> The new Boy in Balloon <<
Surely not a PR stunt presented as news?

D-S writes:
"Does anyone know anything more about Boris
coming to the recue of Age of Stupid film-maker
Franny Armstrong?

"She's well known for all the novel ways she's
found to publicise and distribute her film,
and now, after failing to get a meeting with
Boris for the last few months, she amazingly
calls for help just as he's riding by, then
gets him talking about the new program she's
pushing.

Coincidence? Hmmm. Or have I just been
round popbitch for too long?"

------------------------------------------------------
Today is Omarion's birthday. He is 25 today.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Different Class <<
Pop star does something nice

Honk writes:
"I spotted Jarvis Cocker in Piccadilly Circus,
of all places. He was walking to his own
gig at the Pigalle, completely unnoticed. The
door was locked and we were both trying to
get into the venue. Living up to his 'nicest
bloke in rock' persona he offered me 'Someone to
do with the venue's' phone number, probably
thinking I was the sound man or something."

------------------------------------------------------
Popbitch's favourite car manufacturer IT group
manager? BMW's Axel-Knut Bethkenhagen.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Say sorry to a star <<
Fan snubs the lovely Mark Owen

CW writes:
"To mark the occasion of his wedding, I'm
reminded of Mark Owen's short-lived solo career,
which I was fortunate to catch at the Barfly,
Camden. The gig (capacity 200) wasn't sold out,
My mates and I had thought it might be worth £10
to see 1/5 of the Greatest British Boy Band Ever.
It wasn't. Having been told to sssh by a large
woman for talking during her favourite song
we retreated to the bar.

"After the gig we got talking to the drummer,
then Mark himself came to join us. He allowed
us to buy him a drink and admired a leather
"I've been on a gap year" bracelet I was
wearing. He asked where I got it but looked
disappointed when I said that I'd picked
it up in Thailand because he "can't afford to
go on holiday". I think he was hoping that I was
fan enough to have given it to him. I didn't.

"I'm sorry Mark - I should have given you the
bracelet. I didn't really like it that much
and it made me look like a twat anyway."

------------------------------------------------------
Cyndi Lauper, Debbie Harry and Joan Jett are
becoming Barbie dolls, as part of the new
Ladies of the 80s collection.
------------------------------------------------------


>> Three strikes <<
Now we're looking forward to Centurion

Neil Marshall, who directed The Descent, has
made another action film, this time all about
Roman soldiers, called Centurion. It's perhaps
not gone as smoothly as he'd have liked.

Early test screenings did not exactly gain the
feedback the film company was hoping for,
despite starring a bearded McNulty. So the
producers decided it needed to be recut.
Amazingly, they managed to make something
that did even worse in the test screenings.
Marshall is hoping for third time lucky, as
he's having another go at it.

------------------------------------------------------
bezmina writes: "I was told that Mr Jagger,
Richards and Watts had a band meeting at Jagger's
flat on Richmond Hill to discuss the future of a
Woodless Rolling Stones."
------------------------------------------------------

>> Simon Says <<
Lunch companions from hell

Simon Cowell had lunch with Richard Desmond a
few days ago and told him he thought the
magazine offices were really messy.
So now Northern & Shell have a clear desk
policy. There's a lot of harrassed
journalists thanking Cowell today.

********************************************************
In association with Grazia, Chateau Roux are
having a pre-Christmas party and offering 20% OFF
EVERYTHING IN-STORE and ONLINE today...
Did someone mention free beer?
http://www.chateauroux.co.uk/
********************************************************

>> Things that make you go hmmm <<
Addictive game, gold vibrator, James Blunt

Ever wanted to hear what woodworm sounds like?
http://bit.ly/Lu9UG

World's simplest flash game:
http://www.flashbynight.com/drench/

The Firestation – Windsor's Centre for arts and
culture - Goes POP! with an all out popfest.
Featuring UK's No 1 Michael Jackson Tribute,
Karaoke Bar, Club Tropicana Cocktail Bar, Pop
DJs playing everything from the 50's til now and
special guests. The Firestation, Windsor, Berks,
21st Nov, 8 til late, £10. Call 01753 866865.
http://www.firestationartscentre.com

Cell size and scale:
http://bit.ly/1HzAP7

Win a 24ct Gold Vibrator.
Your odds are pretty good (about 1 in 35):
http://www.blacklabelsextoys.com

James Blunt's career hotspot - on Sesame St:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2Z6tDSb6c8

Dogs welcoming home soldiers. Sweet.
http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/40324

********************************************************
In January 2010 a team of 6 will be rowing the Atlantic
Ocean. 3,000 miles - that's London to Edinburgh 7.5
times - in a tiny boat. Donate here:
http://www.justgiving.com/James-Kenworthy/
********************************************************

>> UK Top 40 <<
We predict this week's new entries/high climbers

++ Number One
LEONA LEWIS Happy

++ Top Ten
BLACK EYED PEAS Meet Me Halfway
N DUBZ I Need You
SUGABABES About A Girl
BRITNEY 3

****************************************************
Thanks to: CL, SW, LM, AM, SW, maxbrooklynshaw
bezmina, deep-stoat, hattyfatteners, party_b,
drunken_boht, danceswithmustelids,

* Popbitch Xmas Party, 19th November. Early DJ set
from Cicada (check out their last single here:
Wheel of Fortune DJs, Blockbusters, games, booze
and other stuff. Free before 7 and a fiver after,
or free if you bring a photocopy of your arse.
At Sosho Bar, London. 6pm til later.
http://www.sosholondon.com/info/index.html

****************************************************

Old Jokes Home:
Q: What's black and makes women cry?
A: Gordon Brown's handwriting.

Still Bored?
Sub-editor bites back:
http://bit.ly/4bV4ui

Love Hurts

*****************************************************
Strictly Come Dancing. Get behind Chris Hollins.
The public love him, the odds are long. X Factor:
Stacey is the industry insider's long-shot. There's
not many girls left in it, so not much competition
for a certain section of phone voters...
Get on it with Betfair, they have a free 25 bet:
http://bit.ly/YuEES
*****************************************************

"It's important for your watch to be stylish
and reflect your personality because you really
don't need one any more as everyone has
cell phones" - Cindy Crawford
-----------------------------------------------------
POPBITCH _ _ _
_ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_| |_| 05.11.09 ISSUE 472
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
go to http://www.popbitch.com
To send us stories Email: hello@popbitch.com

* Saying sorry to Patrick Swayze
* Trinny and Susannah not Club class
* Charts: JLS are the new number one
------------------------------------------------------

>> Graceless <<
Karen would have had more class

Flame-haired actress Debra Messing, aka Grace-
out-of-Will-and-Grace, made a film recently
but didn't exactly make many new friends.

Film extras and crew were told that they
weren't allowed to wear any kind of perfume.
As Ms Messing "didn't want to smell
anyone else".

------------------------------------------------------
Jim Corr prefers never to go anywhere without his
"special shoes", which make him taller. The 9/11
conspiracy theorist is also convinced, whenever he's
out in his helicopter, that he's being followed by
unspecified "ships". He might be right...
------------------------------------------------------

>> What not to do <<
TV stars not keen on BA Club class

Trinny and Susannah have been in Cape Town, as
guests of honour at an exhibition. They flew
back to London on Sunday with BA. Susannah
(dressed in leopardskin) happily whiled away
time in the BA lounge eating and drinking.
Trinny, on the other hand, spent her time
trying to get an upgrade from Clubworld to
First. Alas it wasn't successful. The lounge
receptionist pointed out, "We only provide
upgrades for VIPs".

According to the charming BA staff at the gate,
they asked for an upgrade again before boarding,
but were politely refused, and had to settle
for seats 17 A and B in Club World (just inches
from First), where they read the Telegraph
and asked for extra blankets.

FYI: More cabin crew news: we're told that, after
rifling through his possessions on a recent
transatlantic flight, David Beckham has a
26 inch waist. Surely not...

------------------------------------------------------
Music industry ploy 101: take one boyband, (JLS), put
out five collectible album covers (each member plus
band). We're told it dates back to Generation X.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Big Questions <<
Who is asking what this week

Which huge pop star is the subject of a
ridiculous whispering campaign claiming
he's the subject of an underage sex police
investigation?

******************************************************
Multitaskers do it with both hands. Can you?
Have a go at http://bit.ly/3GXypo?
******************************************************

>> Say sorry to a star <<
But slightly tricky when they're dead...

Ms Sorry writes:
"I have a Patrick Swayze story, and I would
like to say sorry to him, which will be slightly
tricky now. A few years back I went to the Ivy
with some rather loud gay friends. Halfway
through dinner, and after a fair few glasses
of wine, one of the chaps was telling us a story
involving him shoving a dildo so far up his
arse he had to sniff poppers to relax enough
to get it out again. After guffawing rather
loudly we noticed Patrick Swayze on the table
next to us. He was in London for Guys and
Dolls, and glaring at us in a very
disapproving way. He called over the Maitre d'
to complain about our vulgarity, who did
offer to move him to another table.
Sorry Patrick!"

------------------------------------------------------
Nice to see in the Middle East's issue of Hello, Jim
and Michelle Davidson celebrating their marriage vows
in Dubai. Michelle is pictured with a Hussein
Bin Laden. Perfect.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Bernie Winters - gossip legend <<
Not just knee-jizz, there's golf too

thebestnameshavegone writes:
"Bernie Winters used to live in a massive house
backing on to Gerrards Cross golf course in
Buckinghamshire. Back in the day, he really
wanted to join it, but the committee kept
finding reasons to knock him back. When he
finally got the hint that big, fat Jews weren't
welcome at the club, he got his own back by
building a 12ft statue of a rabbi facing the
course in his back garden. The rabbi was
giving the finger with both hands. The club
spent years trying to grow trees to cover it up
- but as they grew, he raised the statue each year."

------------------------------------------------------
According to Wired magazine, 0.27% of the Iranian
population is on Twitter.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Stalin revisited <<
Wanted: PR firm who will do anything

If Max Clifford ever gets bored with his job
hiding any skeletons Simon Cowell might have,
here's a new one for him - and possibly an
easier one - rescuing Stalin's reputation.

Russia is looking for a Brussels-based PR
company for a new campaign, which will include
casting "a positive light on the actions of
the Soviet Union before and after World War
II in order to justify the idea
that modern Russia should also impose its
influence on neighbouring countries for the
good of the world".

A senior executive at one PR firm who was
pitched the business says that he asked,
"Do you want us to say that Stalin was not
such a bad guy?' The answer was, "Well, I know
it will be difficult". The PR guy then asked,
"So, you want history to be rewritten?"
And he said 'Yes, in a way". Well, an industry
that's managed to get across the message that
the Cheryl Cole album is good should be up
for anything.

More:
http://euobserver.com/9/28883

(FYI: If anyone hears which PR company takes this
job, email hello@popbitch.com)

------------------------------------------------------
Carol Decker (from T'Pau) told the world, on Twitter,
this morning that she had just had a colonic
irrigation It cost her £65.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Love Hurts <<
What we are listening to this week

Our newest pop crush? Hurts. They have a stern,
almost teutonic, arthouse look, but it's mixed
with pure Pet Shop Boys/Associates/Yazoo
pop. With a bit of Donnie Darko thrown in.

Hurts are Adam and Theo from Manchester. They met
outside a nighclub while people they were with
were involved in a punch up. Adam's grandad was
a wartime entertainer who played banjo for
the Queen. And the extra reason we know we're
going to like them? They insisted on a clause
in their record label contract that they could
go to Eurovision Song Contest 2010.

First track, Wonderful Life. It's not a Black
cover. Listen to the Arthur Baker remix here:
http://bit.ly/3jd6uE

More:
http://www.myspace.com/ithurts

------------------------------------------------------
Gruesome golf twosome: Sky Sports' Di Stewart
and tour player Nick Dougherty. They have played
several holes, we are told. Fnar.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Things that make you go hmmm <<
Puppies, otters, sharks and fisting

From hard house to hard hat - Danny Rampling is
now a property developer/designer! We all thought
he was a club promoter/DJ but according to his
biography here he was a "youth cult visionary".
http://www.phoenixtrinity.co.uk/the-team/

Rude and hilarious Christmas cards! We have a great
selection of cards and gifts that you certainly
won't find in Clintons. Pop on over and have a laugh:
http://www.deanmorriscards.co.uk

F**k Yeah!
Puppies
http://bit.ly/1d67Qv
Sharks
http://bit.ly/1qwkju
Otters
http://bit.ly/2Rpz2I

The official Christian line on fisting,
anal sex and pubic shaving:
http://bit.ly/3bSD1y

Chuck your chemical nasties on the bonfire
tonight and stock up on some organic skin
care from Pai. Spend £20: receive a FREE
Lip Balm OR Spend £30 for a FREE Eye Cream:
http://www.paiskincare.com

Ewoks: drunk and fighting on live TV (2mins in)
http://bit.ly/4lH8nJ

Swine flu kills a ferret
http://bit.ly/4o5rdq

How to open a bottle of wine without
a corkscrew:
http://bit.ly/47l2nB

>> UK Top 40 <<
We predict this week's new entries/high climbers

++ Number One
JLS Everybody In Love

++ Top Ten
CHASE & STATUS End Credits

++ Top Twenty
SNOW PATROL Just Say Yes

++ Top Forty
BON JOVI When We Were Beautiful
LAURA WHITE You Should Have Known
CHRIS BROWN Crawl
KESHA Tik Tok

****************************************************
Thanks to: CL, SW, LM, AM, honk, CS, C, katemoss,
fred_funk, cs, party_b, jeffjaffacake, deepstoat,
Evie, arseology, dangerisland, JuzWah

* Popbitch Xmas Party, 19th November. Wheel of
Fortune DJs, Blockbusters, bands, other stuff.
Free before 7 and a fiver after, or free if you
bring a photocopy of your arse. At Sosho Bar,
London. Also at Sosho next Tuesday, you can
still sign up for Popbitch Pop Quiz. 7pm.
Teams of 4ish. Amazing prizes. Map:
http://www.sosholondon.com/info/index.html
****************************************************

Old Jokes Home:
Q: What's the fastest thing on land?
A: Stevie Wonder's speed boat.

Still Bored?
David Blaine's Street Magic, Kinda:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYxu_MQSTTY

For the love of Schnorbitz

****************************************************
Want to win a 36 thousand pound experience
of a lifetime for you and all your mates?
Enter the Vodafone 360 challenge and get all
your mates in one place:
http://bit.ly/1xlwPa
****************************************************

"At the end of the day, I'm sorry for what
I did, whatever it is" - Chris Brown
-----------------------------------------------------
POPBITCH _ _ _
_ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_| |_| 29.10.09 ISSUE 471
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
go to http://www.popbitch.com
To send us stories Email: hello@popbitch.com

* "Does anyone own an 8-12 year old boy?"
* Shane Lee Superstar - youtube's no 1
* Charts: Cheryl Cole is number one
------------------------------------------------------

>> Crossing the line <<
Desperate measures for desperate housewives

As botox and plastic surgery has become more
and more fashionable within the LA acting
community, so TV directors and writers have
had to become more and more creative in
order to show their cast members registering
emotions. Marcia Cross, from Desperate
Housewives, seems to have evolved an entirely
ageless and expressionless kind of beauty,
where nothing above the smile seems to move.
An insider claims that for one scene from
this series, her character, Bree, was
supposed to register wordless surprise.
As Marcia's expression is always one of
wordless surprise, this wouldn't exactly be
easy. The enterprising crew had a solution:
they shot her from behind and had her drop
something, as a pantomime for the surprise
she could not really convey.

------------------------------------------------------
Tony Mortimer and Daniella Westbrook had dinner
together on Tuesday. We are reliably informed
they had kebabs.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Kwik Fix <<
Got a young boy at your disposal?

Someone working on Five's Saturday NFL show sent
an email around to production staff this
week saying:

"Does anyone own an 8-12 year old boy, or has
one at their disposal, who would be available to
read a line of voice over tomorrow on the 2nd
floor? The role will be that of a young
competition winner, for the NFL magazine show
which will air this Saturday morning."

And we thought competition-meddling was SO 2005...

------------------------------------------------------
Joss Stone is in Uganda. Not sure why this amused us.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Shane Lee Superstar <<
Cowell, Cowell, sign him up

Youtube occasionally throws up a true superstar.
And here's the latest: Shane Lee. Shane is
from Savannah, Georgia, and recounts an
unfortunate life story - two accidents which
broke his neck and back, a bad right eye
which makes him look "flirty" when he's
just blinking (and caused him to be harassed out
of the navy), a father who was shot and killed
when he was just 10 (leading to his religious
conversion) and arthritis, which has caused
him to be off work and on welfare.

Nevertheless, Shane loves to sing. You can
watch him sing five octaves or do an amazing
version of the Proclaimers' 500 Miles.
There's a tribute to Jacko, plus I'm Too Sexy.
And for the hardcore fan, there's a breath-
taking version of Sweet Child O' Mine. Oh,
and there's a jaw-dropping eight minute video
where Shane talks about a rather astonishing
dream he once had. Shane, perhaps Gary Glitter
is not the right pop God to emulate...

See/hear:
http://bit.ly/2kDHo5

------------------------------------------------------
Rose West is a big fan of the Harry Potter books.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Big Questions <<
What people were asking in the 80s

Back in the 80s, Bernie Winters was staying in
the same hotel as a hard-living rock band. He
got talking to one of the female members, who
ended up in reality TV. Bernie was visibly
distraught, as his dog, Schnorbitz, had died.
The big-hearted girl ended up walking him back
to his room and going in for a drink. He
broke down in tears again, and she ended up
putting her arm around him to comfort him a
bit. She claimed that when she lifted her head
she realised that Bernie had his cock out...

The singer told people afterwards "I just let
him jizz on my knee. I mean his f**cking dog
had just died, for Christ's sake, what was
I supposed to do?"

------------------------------------------------------
Q: How does an American chicken cross the road?
A: In a bucket.
------------------------------------------------------

>> What on earth? <<
Shunned by Sir David

Reader writes:
"I got skanked by David Attenborough outside
the BBC on Great Portland Street. I waited
25 minutes for him to come out and when he
did, I asked him for an autograph and he
spat "No! Not today!" at me.

Don't let that soothing voice fool you."

------------------------------------------------------
David Bowie has a complete collection of
vintage Private Eyes.
------------------------------------------------------

>> X Factory <<
It's time to make some money

You've got to love that X Factor time of year.
No other institution has managed such a
carefully controlled media assault - not
even New Labour in its prime. You can almost
see their PR spreadsheet boxes being ticked
with the same series of stories each year.
Contestants' romance - ah yes. Bullying? Tick.
Judges' arguments? Yes, again. This week,
however, we might have seen something new.
Contrary to tabloid reports, John and Edward
did not top the voting. So why was it
circulating that they did? Could it be
a ruse to scare people out of make a joke
vote for the joke candidates? Jedward are the
breakout stars, and will go on to have
Cheeky Girls-style fame but X Factor bosses
must dread them doing really well, and - in
doing so - making this karaokefest out to be
less about talent than it might like to suggest.

The shoo-in bet at the moment is Stacey for
the top three. And the winner? Voting
patterns so far suggest people are split
between Lloyd, Joe and Olly. It will
all come down to who goes out first and
where their votes go.

For a free 25 bet from Betfair, go here. X Factor
bets are found in "sports" and "special bets":
http://promo.betfair.com/xfactor2009/?rfr=3938

------------------------------------------------------
Celebrity Big Brother... to include Henry Holland?
------------------------------------------------------

>> Lessons in popstar behaviour <<
X Factor karaoke kids - take note

As part of the publicity for the umpteenth re-
release of You Spin Me Round, Pete Burns did an
interview for a local paper. The picture editor
of the paper obviously didn't check the shots
carefully, because the double-page spread of
the Dead Or Alive star featured a promo shot
of the singer wearing a tie. The tie featured a
rather lovely illustration of some burly
men being fisted in a daisy chain.

------------------------------------------------------
RIP: Long-time Popbitch messageboard posters
mark_eedersaad, erroneous_bosch and judy_in_disguise;
gone to start a new board with reverend_goatboy.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Endanger Zone <<
Cute and creepy creatures facing the chop

Get ready to vote for the Popbitch
Uncharismatic Endangered Creature, 2009. The
current front runners are Piers Morgan, the
Mexican Walking Fish and the Hairy Nosed
Wombat – not least because this creature is
able to excrete cube-shaped poo.

We still haven't quite worked out how this
happens. The most promising theories we've been
given so far about the round hole/square object
conundrum are:

* The wombat has a triangular arse – to get a 6
sided 3d shape you need a 3 sided mold

* Its anus is square – and it will then push it
out on its edge, allowing for natural tapering.

* And here's a wombat rectum in a jar.
http://bit.ly/1tJEGJ

If anyone has proof of the wombat's habits email
hello@popbitch.com.

Here's the long list - from ugly to weird to cute:
http://bit.ly/2iPpRd

------------------------------------------------------
The wombat's pouch is different to all other
marsupials - it's upside down so it doesn't fill
with earth when the wombat digs a hole.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Taking the biscuit <<
Gordon's no jammy dodger

An explanation for why Gordon Brown refused
to answer the now-notorious 'favourite biscuit'
question has emerged.

A controversial biscuit choice? Diabetes
cover up? Erm, no. He didn't actually get
asked the question. Interview moderators
decided to ignore the persistent requests to
ask it, shelving it in favour of questions
about school starting age. You could almost
feel sorry for Brown.

Full story: http://bit.ly/1eiZBg

------------------------------------------------------
Knowsley Safari Park's main PR Executive is
called Lesley Lyon.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Separated at Birth? <<
When art meets theatre poster

Photo Op, made in 2005, was one of the most
memorable pieces of art from recent years,
showing Tony Blair taking a mobile phone picture
in front of a huge explosion.

Mother Courage, currently playing at The National
Theatre is publicised by posters showing the
actress Fiona Shaw holding up a mobile phone to
take a picture in front of an explosion.
Aren't they similar?

See:
http://bit.ly/2xUs0F

******************************************************
Win a set of limited edition Beck's "Music Inspired
Art" goodies - including a Ladyhawke signed iPod!
Answer this question: Which two artists are
designing this year's Beck's labels? email
admin@popbitch.com. For info go to:
http://www.becks.co.uk
******************************************************

>> Things that make you go hmmm <<
Christopher Walken, Zoo, incubators

Misery bear goes to London:
http://bit.ly/ICaop

Halloween at the zoo:
http://bit.ly/38B57K

Want a cock machine or a double cock?
http://bit.ly/45xcLC

Hot messes of the year:
http://bit.ly/PF1Li

Christopher Walken teaches you to make
chicken with pears:
http://bit.ly/217c2K

London-based? Fancy yourself as knowing
a bit about pop culture? Have a couple
of friends? Free on 10th Nov? Popbitch is
having a pop quiz at Sosho bar, 7.30pm.
The night will include "Ask the celebrity",
make something with a vegetable, popcorn,
a sweary compere, guess the pop song played
on a weird instrument, pop trivia and
pictures. Amazing prizes to be won:
http://www.sosholondon.com/info/index.html

>> UK Top 40 <<
We predict this week's new entries/high climbers

++ Number one
CHERYL COLE Fight For This Love

++ Top Ten
WESTLIFE What About Now
JAY SEAN Down
MICHAEL BUBLE Haven't Met You Yet
BLACK EYED PEAS Meet Me Halfway

++ Top Twenty
MILEY CYRUS Party in the USA
BIFFY CLYRO The Captain
DUCKSAUCE aNYway
LADY GAGA Bad Romance

++ Top Forty
CHERYL COLE 3 Words
DAUGHTRY What About Now
MICHAEL BUBLE Cry Me A River
FLORENCE & THE MACHINE You've Got The Love

****************************************************
Thanks to: CL, SW, LM, onthehushhush, AC, AM, enuyee
deidre, NF, becks, LB, LoobyLou, ladyboy, honk

Thanks to: Everyone who entered the competition last
week - sorry we couldn't reply to everyone! The
answer was "Eddie". Congratulations to our 10 winners
who will be receiving them shortly, if postmen allow.
****************************************************

Old Jokes Home:
A young boy was sitting outside his house crying.
A passing neigbour sees him and says
"Seamus, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"
Seamus replies "'Tis a terrible t'ing. Me mam's dying"
"That's awful" the neighbour says " would you like
me to fetch the priest?"
"No thanks", says Seamus, "I'm not in the mood for sex"

Still Bored?
What religion are you?
http://bit.ly/1mI8v2

"Sleight of hand, twist of fate"

"You can all suck my dick" – Diego Maradona
-----------------------------------------------------
POPBITCH _ _ _
_ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_| |_| 22.10.09 ISSUE 470
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
go to http://www.popbitch.com
To send us stories Email: hello@popbitch.com

* Tony Mortimer tries to shave
* Mark Ronson goes to Manchester
* Charts: Cheryl Cole is number one
------------------------------------------------------

>> Plane stupid <<
Dennis won't go in off the brown

80s snooker legend Dennis Taylor appeared at
the launch of a new music player at the Groucho
Club this week. He did trick shots and ran a
"Pot as many balls as you can in a minute"
competition while looking as if he'd been
enjoying the hospitality. Some of the guests
were having a discussion on the various tricks
you can use to get free upgrades on flights
when Dennis piped up "I always sing the Iraqi
national anthem when I get on a plane. If
anyone joins in then I refuse to board."

FYI: DJ Colin Murray might have been playing a
wedding-style set of bad tunes to accompany the
games, but was a handy snooker player,
potting five balls in a minute.

------------------------------------------------------
There are more Greggs bakeries in the UK than
McDonald's - 1,400 vs 1,200.
------------------------------------------------------

>> No-Mark <<
Celebrity spacker?

Sharp-suited horn fan Mark Ronson failed to
make friends at the music industry conference
In The City. Mark didn't take to the Manchester
location very easily. At one point he called
one of the organisers to ask if he was outside
the Manchester Art Gallery. She asked
him if there was an art gallery in front of him?
There was. He was. The organiser eventually
asked what had happened to his PA, who was
supposed to be attending to his needs. He told
her that said PA couldn't come, as she was
back in London looking after his dog.

------------------------------------------------------
Jennifer Aniston's 14 year-old dog, Norman, is
suffering from severe digestive problems.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Unable to pull <<
Kris Marshall can't work the door

Spotted at legendary Soho booze haunt,
the French House, this week, Kris Marshall,
out of the BT ads. He must have been
enjoying their refreshments as he took
nearly a minute to work out their hi-tech
door. Push? Or is it pull?

FYI: thegingerprince writes: the cast of My Family
don't much like each other, but there's one thing they
have in common and that is that they all think Kris
Marshall is perhaps the biggest cnut of all."


*******************************************************
Every woman, every man, join the carousel... of DEATH!
Halloween is here and so is the new SAW movie, so treat
yourself to a spot of ambicide. It's all in good fun.
http://www.saw6deathcarousel.com/
*******************************************************

>> Big Questions <<
Who is asking what this week

This Hollywood golden girl is back in the media
spinning beautiful stories about the cosy
home life that she and her equally famous
actor bf enjoy. Bet she doesn't blab that
the pair are contractually bound together for
at least one more year. Her paramour's boy-toy,
however, doesn't like playing second fiddle
so this might all not end well.

------------------------------------------------------
Sea otter teeth are unique among carnivores, lacking
sharp cutting edges. They are better adapted for
crushing, with their blunt and rounded post-canines.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Doing it for the kids <<
Stephen Gately can't get no peace

mercyme writes:
"That children's book Stephen Gately was
working on. Would that be the same children's
book he had sent to at least one publisher who
rejected it? Then a year later he submitted it
again without any alterations and was politely
rejected a second time? It could be the same
children's book that an eager agent submitted
a third time to publishers last week when he
was barely cold. Surely no one would publish
this merely to cash in on a dead celebrity?"

FYI: Post Moir-gate, interesting to see that the
News of the World chose to paint Stephen as saintly,
but still hint at scandal by putting the boot into
his un-famous partner, Andy. In the paper, he
was accused of being violent, hated by the Gateley
family and dissed by Louis Walsh. While dealing
with the unexpected death of his husband. Nice.

------------------------------------------------------
Under the One Laptop per Child initiative, Uruguay
has become the first country to deliver a free
laptop to each child of primary school age.
------------------------------------------------------

>> X Factory <<
The Scott-Lee effect

Who would be an X Factor wannabe? MTV was
recently contacted by a girlfriend of
ex-contestant Scott Bruton to suggest to
them they give him a reality TV show.
"I promise you we would be TV gold".
Perhaps - but she also said "They deemed me
unstable in the latter rounds of Big
Brother last year." Following Scott's stint
on stage at the West End, the pair are
"Secretly living this life like we are a
pair of popstars, lol, dining in the Ivy etc."
The girl explains that she is just trying
to raise his profile "as he doesn't want
to be a Blue Coat again", so MTV should
just give him a show "and call it 'Please
Don't Send Me Back To Pontins' ha ha no
seriously".

Her final plea to the commissioners?
"Come on, you guys did it for Lisa Scott-Lee".

It's hard to argue with logic like that.

*******************************************************
Let Malcolm Gladwell tell you What the Dog Saw in his
new book: (exclusive Popbitch discount code: Dog)
http://bit.ly/2hGIRP
*******************************************************

>> Spray another way <<
Tony nearly gets an eyeful

East 17 superstar Tony Mortimer shared this
with his Twitter followers this week:

"Why oh why do Gillette make their deodorant
look so similar to their shaving gel, nearly
sprayed myself in the eye... again."

FYI: A 90s boy-bander who is back with a new
project is Christian Burns from BB Mak.
The Bleachworks moves him more towards Killers
and synth pop. Listen, it's surprisingly good:
http://www.myspace.com/thebleachworks

------------------------------------------------------
Miki Berenyi, from Lush, is now a senior sub-editor
at Web User magazine.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Sleight of hand, twist of fate <<
Bombers choose another kind of magic circle

Al-Qaeda suicide bombers are not only keeping
their explosives in their arses, they're
hiding them from the authorities using David
Copperfield style illusion tricks. US intelligence
authorities are claiming that would-be
terrorists are being sent out to learn magic
tricks to help them get their bombs through
security checks. Hollowed out coins and fake
fingertips could, they say, be used to hide
smears of plastic explosives. Not to mention
the traditional magician's sleight of hand
techniques to help the would-be bomber get
past staff at security checkpoints. We asked
a magician to comment and to our surprise
he thought that such tricks made sense.

------------------------------------------------------
Kenny Ball spotted at Bishops Stortford'
Waitrose, looking at the prawn cocktails.
------------------------------------------------------

>> The new Hemingway <<
It's only words, and words are all I have

Anoushka Beckwith, daughter of socialite
Tamara and niece of Geri's Henry, came on
to our radar this week. We're very much
looking forward to her stage debut and
publishing deal.

"I'm doing a play. I'm also writing a
novella, influenced by Rebecca, Tender is
the Night and The Great Gatsby".

------------------------------------------------------
Drinking buddies in the Ship and Castle, Monaco, always
told us how unchanged by success Jenson Button and Dad
are, and that "If you could choose your father I don't
think you could pick better than John." Well done.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Tattoo you <<
Words are all I have to take your heart away

Premier League footballers, their WAGS and
OK! magazine - the gift that keeps on giving.
This week - "A super-glam 24 hours" in the
life of Jermaine Jenas and his fiancee,
who gave us this gem:

"Jermaine is really generous - he bought me
some Christian Louboutin shoes for Christmas
which I love. But the best present he ever
got is priceless - a tattoo of my face
on his forearm."

------------------------------------------------------
Popbitch's favourite council worker: Islington's
Principal Tree Preservation Officer - Philip Wood.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Cullumity Jame <<
Twitter wannabe plays in kitchen

Poor Jamie Cullum. We've joined in the
jokes about his height, and been generally
nonplussed about his music, and seen
him passed over on the One Show, but no more.
We're going to support Jamie from now on,
after receiving this email this morning
which just made us feel so sad for him:

"To celebrate reaching 20,000 followers on
Twitter, Jamie Cullum will be performing live
from his kitchen on Friday night at 20:00 (BST)."

------------------------------------------------------
Ronnie Scotts, one of the most famous jazz clubs in
the world, celebrates its 50th birthday next week.
And their special anniversary concert to celebrate?
Mick Hucknall, Sharleen Spiteri and Andrea Corr. Oh.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Things that make you go hmmm <<
Bears, more bears, animal sex toys

Bears like beer:
http://www.jsonline.com/news/wisconsin/64674327.html

Bears in Aspen like cheese, yoghurt, honey
and gourmet jam, riding on ski lifts and
breaking into luxury mansions:
http://bit.ly/1ApuZR

"Feels like we could do like, f**king
anything." "Yeah, I used to think that
when I was your age...I'm still cleaning
bloody windows.." - RIP Liam Flowered Up
http://www.popbitch.com/home/2009/10/20/rip-liam-flowered-up/

Helmand is on the news just about every day.
A dusty old state of historic ruins?
No, an American planned suburban new town
in the 1950s:
http://bit.ly/yElMI

Which is easier to understand: Google Wave or
Cardiothoracic surgery?
http://easiertounderstandthanwave.com/

Ever wanted an otter dildo? No?
http://www.zoofur.com/The-Otter.html

>> UK Top 40 <<
We predict this week's new entries/high climbers

++ Number One
CHERYL COLE Fight For This Love

++ Top Ten
WHITNEY HOUSTON Million Dollar Bill
YOUNG SOUL REBELS I Got Soul

++ Top Twenty
CHRISTINA AGUILERA Hurt
COBRA STARSHIP Good Girls Go Bad
BLACK EYED PEAS Meet Me Halfway
ALPHABEAT The Spell

++ Top Forty
BIG PINK Dominos
DIONNE BROMFIELD Mama Said
PAOLO NUTINI Pencil Full Of Lead
CALVIN HARRIS Flashback
FOO FIGHTERS Wheels

****************************************************
Thanks to: CL, SW, LM, honk, IM, Matt In The Hat, AC
NF, AM, SW, honk, deidre, the abominablehoman, GD
****************************************************

Old Jokes Home:
Man: Doctor, Doctor, I keep dreaming about my
eyes changing colour!
Doctor: Don't worry - It's just a pigment of
your imagination.

Still Bored?
As a reward for making it through our 90s series,
you can win a copy of Now That's What I Call 90s.
OK, so it's got both Ronan and Westlife on it,
but it does have Hanson, Five, Right Said Fred and
Charles and Eddie. Email hello@popbitch.com with the
answer to this question: which one is still
alive, Charles or Eddie?

"Sleight of hand, twist of fate"

"You can all suck my dick" – Diego Maradona
-----------------------------------------------------
POPBITCH _ _ _
_ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_| |_| 22.10.09 ISSUE 470
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
go to http://www.popbitch.com
To send us stories Email: hello@popbitch.com

* Tony Mortimer tries to shave
* Mark Ronson goes to Manchester
* Charts: Cheryl Cole is number one
------------------------------------------------------

>> Plane stupid <<
Dennis won't go in off the brown

80s snooker legend Dennis Taylor appeared at
the launch of a new music player at the Groucho
Club this week. He did trick shots and ran a
"Pot as many balls as you can in a minute"
competition while looking as if he'd been
enjoying the hospitality. Some of the guests
were having a discussion on the various tricks
you can use to get free upgrades on flights
when Dennis piped up "I always sing the Iraqi
national anthem when I get on a plane. If
anyone joins in then I refuse to board."

FYI: DJ Colin Murray might have been playing a
wedding-style set of bad tunes to accompany the
games, but was a handy snooker player,
potting five balls in a minute.

------------------------------------------------------
There are more Greggs bakeries in the UK than
McDonald's - 1,400 vs 1,200.
------------------------------------------------------

>> No-Mark <<
Celebrity spacker?

Sharp-suited horn fan Mark Ronson failed to
make friends at the music industry conference
In The City. Mark didn't take to the Manchester
location very easily. At one point he called
one of the organisers to ask if he was outside
the Manchester Art Gallery. She asked
him if there was an art gallery in front of him?
There was. He was. The organiser eventually
asked what had happened to his PA, who was
supposed to be attending to his needs. He told
her that said PA couldn't come, as she was
back in London looking after his dog.

------------------------------------------------------
Jennifer Aniston's 14 year-old dog, Norman, is
suffering from severe digestive problems.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Unable to pull <<
Kris Marshall can't work the door

Spotted at legendary Soho booze haunt,
the French House, this week, Kris Marshall,
out of the BT ads. He must have been
enjoying their refreshments as he took
nearly a minute to work out their hi-tech
door. Push? Or is it pull?

FYI: thegingerprince writes: the cast of My Family
don't much like each other, but there's one thing they
have in common and that is that they all think Kris
Marshall is perhaps the biggest cnut of all."


*******************************************************
Every woman, every man, join the carousel... of DEATH!
Halloween is here and so is the new SAW movie, so treat
yourself to a spot of ambicide. It's all in good fun.
http://www.saw6deathcarousel.com/
*******************************************************

>> Big Questions <<
Who is asking what this week

This Hollywood golden girl is back in the media
spinning beautiful stories about the cosy
home life that she and her equally famous
actor bf enjoy. Bet she doesn't blab that
the pair are contractually bound together for
at least one more year. Her paramour's boy-toy,
however, doesn't like playing second fiddle
so this might all not end well.

------------------------------------------------------
Sea otter teeth are unique among carnivores, lacking
sharp cutting edges. They are better adapted for
crushing, with their blunt and rounded post-canines.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Doing it for the kids <<
Stephen Gately can't get no peace

mercyme writes:
"That children's book Stephen Gately was
working on. Would that be the same children's
book he had sent to at least one publisher who
rejected it? Then a year later he submitted it
again without any alterations and was politely
rejected a second time? It could be the same
children's book that an eager agent submitted
a third time to publishers last week when he
was barely cold. Surely no one would publish
this merely to cash in on a dead celebrity?"

FYI: Post Moir-gate, interesting to see that the
News of the World chose to paint Stephen as saintly,
but still hint at scandal by putting the boot into
his un-famous partner, Andy. In the paper, he
was accused of being violent, hated by the Gateley
family and dissed by Louis Walsh. While dealing
with the unexpected death of his husband. Nice.

------------------------------------------------------
Under the One Laptop per Child initiative, Uruguay
has become the first country to deliver a free
laptop to each child of primary school age.
------------------------------------------------------

>> X Factory <<
The Scott-Lee effect

Who would be an X Factor wannabe? MTV was
recently contacted by a girlfriend of
ex-contestant Scott Bruton to suggest to
them they give him a reality TV show.
"I promise you we would be TV gold".
Perhaps - but she also said "They deemed me
unstable in the latter rounds of Big
Brother last year." Following Scott's stint
on stage at the West End, the pair are
"Secretly living this life like we are a
pair of popstars, lol, dining in the Ivy etc."
The girl explains that she is just trying
to raise his profile "as he doesn't want
to be a Blue Coat again", so MTV should
just give him a show "and call it 'Please
Don't Send Me Back To Pontins' ha ha no
seriously".

Her final plea to the commissioners?
"Come on, you guys did it for Lisa Scott-Lee".

It's hard to argue with logic like that.

*******************************************************
Let Malcolm Gladwell tell you What the Dog Saw in his
new book: (exclusive Popbitch discount code: Dog)
http://bit.ly/2hGIRP
*******************************************************

>> Spray another way <<
Tony nearly gets an eyeful

East 17 superstar Tony Mortimer shared this
with his Twitter followers this week:

"Why oh why do Gillette make their deodorant
look so similar to their shaving gel, nearly
sprayed myself in the eye... again."

FYI: A 90s boy-bander who is back with a new
project is Christian Burns from BB Mak.
The Bleachworks moves him more towards Killers
and synth pop. Listen, it's surprisingly good:
http://www.myspace.com/thebleachworks

------------------------------------------------------
Miki Berenyi, from Lush, is now a senior sub-editor
at Web User magazine.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Sleight of hand, twist of fate <<
Bombers choose another kind of magic circle

Al-Qaeda suicide bombers are not only keeping
their explosives in their arses, they're
hiding them from the authorities using David
Copperfield style illusion tricks. US intelligence
authorities are claiming that would-be
terrorists are being sent out to learn magic
tricks to help them get their bombs through
security checks. Hollowed out coins and fake
fingertips could, they say, be used to hide
smears of plastic explosives. Not to mention
the traditional magician's sleight of hand
techniques to help the would-be bomber get
past staff at security checkpoints. We asked
a magician to comment and to our surprise
he thought that such tricks made sense.

------------------------------------------------------
Kenny Ball spotted at Bishops Stortford'
Waitrose, looking at the prawn cocktails.
------------------------------------------------------

>> The new Hemingway <<
It's only words, and words are all I have

Anoushka Beckwith, daughter of socialite
Tamara and niece of Geri's Henry, came on
to our radar this week. We're very much
looking forward to her stage debut and
publishing deal.

"I'm doing a play. I'm also writing a
novella, influenced by Rebecca, Tender is
the Night and The Great Gatsby".

------------------------------------------------------
Drinking buddies in the Ship and Castle, Monaco, always
told us how unchanged by success Jenson Button and Dad
are, and that "If you could choose your father I don't
think you could pick better than John." Well done.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Tattoo you <<
Words are all I have to take your heart away

Premier League footballers, their WAGS and
OK! magazine - the gift that keeps on giving.
This week - "A super-glam 24 hours" in the
life of Jermaine Jenas and his fiancee,
who gave us this gem:

"Jermaine is really generous - he bought me
some Christian Louboutin shoes for Christmas
which I love. But the best present he ever
got is priceless - a tattoo of my face
on his forearm."

------------------------------------------------------
Popbitch's favourite council worker: Islington's
Principal Tree Preservation Officer - Philip Wood.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Cullumity Jame <<
Twitter wannabe plays in kitchen

Poor Jamie Cullum. We've joined in the
jokes about his height, and been generally
nonplussed about his music, and seen
him passed over on the One Show, but no more.
We're going to support Jamie from now on,
after receiving this email this morning
which just made us feel so sad for him:

"To celebrate reaching 20,000 followers on
Twitter, Jamie Cullum will be performing live
from his kitchen on Friday night at 20:00 (BST)."

------------------------------------------------------
Ronnie Scotts, one of the most famous jazz clubs in
the world, celebrates its 50th birthday next week.
And their special anniversary concert to celebrate?
Mick Hucknall, Sharleen Spiteri and Andrea Corr. Oh.
------------------------------------------------------

>> Things that make you go hmmm <<
Bears, more bears, animal sex toys

Bears like beer:
http://www.jsonline.com/news/wisconsin/64674327.html

Bears in Aspen like cheese, yoghurt, honey
and gourmet jam, riding on ski lifts and
breaking into luxury mansions:
http://bit.ly/1ApuZR

"Feels like we could do like, f**king
anything." "Yeah, I used to think that
when I was your age...I'm still cleaning
bloody windows.." - RIP Liam Flowered Up
http://www.popbitch.com/home/2009/10/20/rip-liam-flowered-up/

Helmand is on the news just about every day.
A dusty old state of historic ruins?
No, an American planned suburban new town
in the 1950s:
http://bit.ly/yElMI

Which is easier to understand: Google Wave or
Cardiothoracic surgery?
http://easiertounderstandthanwave.com/

Ever wanted an otter dildo? No?
http://www.zoofur.com/The-Otter.html

>> UK Top 40 <<
We predict this week's new entries/high climbers

++ Number One
CHERYL COLE Fight For This Love

++ Top Ten
WHITNEY HOUSTON Million Dollar Bill
YOUNG SOUL REBELS I Got Soul

++ Top Twenty
CHRISTINA AGUILERA Hurt
COBRA STARSHIP Good Girls Go Bad
BLACK EYED PEAS Meet Me Halfway
ALPHABEAT The Spell

++ Top Forty
BIG PINK Dominos
DIONNE BROMFIELD Mama Said
PAOLO NUTINI Pencil Full Of Lead
CALVIN HARRIS Flashback
FOO FIGHTERS Wheels

****************************************************
Thanks to: CL, SW, LM, honk, IM, Matt In The Hat, AC
NF, AM, SW, honk, deidre, the abominablehoman, GD
****************************************************

Old Jokes Home:
Man: Doctor, Doctor, I keep dreaming about my
eyes changing colour!
Doctor: Don't worry - It's just a pigment of
your imagination.

Still Bored?
As a reward for making it through our 90s series,
you can win a copy of Now That's What I Call 90s.
OK, so it's got both Ronan and Westlife on it,
but it does have Hanson, Five, Right Said Fred and
Charles and Eddie. Email hello@popbitch.com with the
answer to this question: which one is still
alive, Charles or Eddie?